Recently, I recommended that if you don’t look people in the eye when talking, you could unconsciously send subtle signals that you are devious, untrustworthy, or lack confidence. Sharon in Seattle wrote, “In some cultures direct eye contact is considered impolite. Sometimes it’s disrespectful to look into people’s eyes.”
Thanks for your e-mail, Sharon. It brought back something that happened to me years ago and taught me an unforgettable lesson. Trying extra hard to be polite, I used to avoid looking in the eyes of Asian people, that is, until an acquaintance of Asian ancestry clobbered me with, “Doug, you are a racist.” She said, “You won’t look at me when you talk to me and I don’t like it. You’re assuming all Asian people are the same. We are not. When you refuse to look Asians in the eyes you are making judgments based on race. That’s not right. We are not all the same.”
That was an eye-opener. Here’s how I handle it now. When I travel, I demonstrate respect by following local customs. But when I’m home in America, I treat everyone the same. In American business, we expect honest, caring people to make eye contact. The custom here is to look people in the eyes. So that’s what I do. If the other person shows signs of being uncomfortable with that, than I choose to tone down the direct eye contact. But it’s a conscious decision, not a knee-jerk reaction based on a person’s ancestry.